Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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