were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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