who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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