She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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