Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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