i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
