by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
