we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
