She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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