So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
