Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Randomize
