She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So here I am, sexting at work.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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