Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
two words...techno handjob
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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