I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize