Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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