I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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