I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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