see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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