I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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