The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am midnight drunk by noon
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize