There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize