Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
