i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
