i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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