So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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