What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
