OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
