The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
