Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
