Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
