New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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