Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize