Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
