I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
