My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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