Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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