alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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