They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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