Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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