you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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