I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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