Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
