He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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