we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
