There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
