Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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