Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
