need another drink. this is the easiest way
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
