In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
