i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
