You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
