So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
