We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
