You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Congratulations! We have a period
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
