my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
