i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
