4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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