apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
