you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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