I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
