I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize