I am in a vortex of obligation.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
