I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
