the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
