I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My dick has a subreddit
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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