I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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