I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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