So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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