Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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