Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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