A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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