Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
